(no subject)

Sometimes you have to not jump to conclusions.

The Christmas period is too busy for Bonnie to sit down and think about the fact that the sexy panties she found in the wardrobe with Turtle's other Christmas presents have not reappeared. Perhaps other people would have demanded answers immediately. Perhaps some people would have brought it up at the Christmas table to make sure there was no squirming out of it.

A few nights later, when Turtle is at work and everyone else is in bed, she sits down and examines the evidence.

She's known Turtle thirty years. He had many lovers in their youth, just as she did, but since being divorced from Cassandra she's never known him to have another girlfriend until her. He lived in a crappy apartment and spent most of his waking hours at work. Apart from going out on his bike, and going to AA, he doesn't really go anywhere that she knows of, and far as she knows he doesn't have any other female friends. And the panties wouldn't fit Lucy, the only other woman in the house.

So that leaves two options. Either, the panties were meant for her, and for some reason he didn't give her them, or they're for another woman she doesn't know.

She sits back for a moment. Neither of these answers seems likely. Turtle isn't the sort of guy to get shy about panties. And although since the shooting he's been a bit quiet and distant, he just doesn't seem the type to go looking for sex somewhere else. Heck, he's only been fit enough for sex again for a few weeks.

There has to be another explanation.

She goes up to their bedroom and starts searching. She can't just go accusing him of cheating. If he's guilty, he'll likely have covered his tracks, but it's worth a shot. He mostly put all his stuff in here when he moved in after the wedding, and she's sure there was a photograph album in there somewhere. She digs it out and looks through it from the time since his divorce. There's few if any pictures of women, and nobody that seems a likely candidate.

This is ridiculous.

She hears the door open, and hurriedly puts the album away. Just ask him.

But what if he is cheating? What if he packs his bags and leaves her tonight with four kids to raise and Lucy out of work? Would it be best to keep quiet?

When it gets to New Year's Day, and the panties still haven't materialised, she confides her fears in Lucy, who offers to take the kids out for the day. Turtle seems a little perplexed, until Bonnie sits him down, calmly, in the living room.

"I found panties in our bedroom." she says, keeping her voice level. "On Christmas Eve. They did not appear on Christmas Day. I need you to tell me what's going on."

Turtle looks startled. Then he looks at the floor. She watches him like a hawk. He looks nervous.

"I bought them for you. But I lost my confidence."

Bonnie watches him.

"Since when?" she asks, feeling a hint of suspicion. How can a man who she had sex with in goodness knows how many places suddenly be shy in the bedroom?

"Since the shooting." Turtle says. "I have failed totally as a husband and as a father. The young man I raised as my own, even if I knew he wasn't by blood, going on to shoot me? And as for you - the only thing Bill ever wanted for you was for you to be safe. I failed that."

She searches his face. Okay. She can kind of buy that.

"Yer not a failure." she says quietly.

Now he looks at her.

"Bonnie, it was me that left the door unlocked. I came back to grab something I forgot, I got an emergency call on my radio and I dashed off. I was the last one to leave. I didn't remember right away." Turtle looks back at the floor. "I caused you to start doing all that crazy checking stuff. I made you feel unsafe in your own home."

Bonnie feels her insides drop. Then suddenly, anger rises up.

"I'm not mad that you left the door unlocked by mistake, but I am mad that you let me blame the boys fer that." she says. "You let Stuart and Ted think it was their fault we both nearly got killed."

"I'm sorry."

"Too fuckin' right you should be sorry." Bonnie says. "They are vulnerable teenagers, Turtle! Ted saved yer life and you let him think it was his fault?"

Turtle is quiet. Bonnie takes a breath.

"You need to apologise to the boys and tell them the truth."

"I will." Turtle says.

"So, where are the panties."

Hesitation. "I threw them away."

Bonnie blinks. Up until that point, she'd felt total honesty. But who the hell throws away panties?

"Where?"

"What?" he asks.

"Where did you throw them away?" Bonnie asks.

"In the trash can."

"When?" Bonnie asks.

Now he's hesitating again.

"What's the matter? Cain't remember if we had trash day yet?" she asks, flatly.

"Bonnie..."

"Tell me the truth, are you cheating on me?"

Turtle sighs. "I didn't cheat on you." he says, but he doesn't make eye contact. "I thought of leaving you so that you'd feel safe in your own home again, but I wasn't going to do it at Christmas."

Bonnie swallows hard. "I'm mad at you right now, but I don't want you to go." she says. "I don't think there's anything that cain't be fixed here."

"Do you love me?"

She looks at him. "You know I do."

"Just not like you loved Bill."

"You said you never expected me to and I never told you anything otherwise." Bonnie says.

"I know." Turtle says.

"I'm a widow, I come with a lot of baggage." Bonnie says, trying to keep her temper. Why is he now in charge of this argument? "Yes, I love you, and no I don't want you to leave. I've been batshit crazy fer thirty years, this door checkin' is nothin' and it'll pass."

They are quiet for a moment.

"I already decided not to leave." Turtle says. "So you don't need to worry. It was just a thought that went through my head, it was stupid."

She swallows that anger again. It's all very well for him. He thinks he can just walk out and leave her with all those mouths to feed, vulnerable children who have bonded with him, and all that's stopping him is that he decided not to?

"I love you and don't want you to leave." she says again. "So thank you."

He draws her into a hug. He promises to go and see a counsellor about the shooting.

When he leaves to go to his AA meeting, Bonnie takes out the trash to the can in the yard. She isn't surprised to see an empty trash can with no panties.

Well, he can have the benefit of the doubt, for now. But Bonnie knows one thing for certain. Cheating is one thing, but if he decides to walk out on those kids, he won't be walking in again.